Category Archives: Lists of Laughs

5 Foods That Make No Sense to Me

Once a year.

Beer Cheese Soup (yes, popcorn on top) Image by leedav via Flickr

Nearly 2 weeks without a single blog post proved several things to me:

  • Paradox of Paragraphs: The less I blog, the less I have to blog about.
  • It’s Alive!: People keep visiting and reading, even when I don’t write.  Thanks!
  • Blogging is Not Real Life: Life is tougher.  One of my superheroes saw kryptonite, got pretty weak, and rebounded to defeat the villain virus or bacteria or whatever it was.

On to a much more important topic…

5 Foods That Make No Sense to Me

  1. Extra Virgin Olive Oil: What’s with the “extra”?  I have never seen just regular old “virgin” olive oil.  Why personify olive oil?  Would it sell as well if marketed as Super Skank Olive Oil?
  2. Tuna Fish Sandwich: Of course it’s a fish!  We don’t order turkey bird or ham pig butt sandwiches.  Why do we feel the need to clarify that we are talking about a tuna FISH?
  3. Double Malt Scotch Whiskey: Never drank the stuff, but I have been told that single malt is better.  THEN WHY MALT IT A SECOND TIME?!?
  4. Grape-Nuts: No grapes, no nuts.  What gives?!?  How about calling it Gravel?
  5. Beer Cheese Soup: Who thought of this concoction, and WHY add popcorn?!?
Advertisements

10 Things to NEVER Follow on the Freeway

I don't like the looks of this!

  1. Trailer of Cars Stacked Two High: Am I the only one who thinks these should never have been invented?
  2. Gravel Truck: Don’t put your faith in that big rubber flap hanging on the back of the truck.  Believe me.
  3. Any Truck with Ladder on Top: If the ladder comes off, all hell is going to break loose.  Better to see that in your rear view mirror.
  4. Fuel Tanker Truck: Want to leave earth in a ball of flames?  Me neither.
  5. Any Pickup with Tailgate Down: It’s only a matter of time before the contents come out.  Is today your lucky day?
  6. Guy Who Could Not Afford a U-Haul: We’ve all seen the budget movers with the flatbed trailers stacked high.  But they saved $50!
  7. Any Vehicle with Mattress Tied on Top: Hitting a mattress, even a pillow-top one, at 60 MPH is bound to end badly.  They can ignite under cars.
  8. Truck Carrying Bees or Livestock: Are they more prone to accidents, or do they just make the news more often?
  9. Guy with Dragging Muffler: Sparks are cool at night, but chances are good that he is uninsured for damage from his lost muffler.
  10. Semi from Batesville Casket Company: Bad omen.

10 Signs You Might Be Driving Too Damn Fast

Warp Speed

Warp Speed (Image by Looking&Learning via Flickr)

  1. Leaning Into Corners: This is reserved for race car drivers.  Your torso should remain upright during city driving.
  2. Rounding Your Turns: Driving on the shoulder, wandering into another lane, or nearly driving into a front yard in a residential neighborhood are all telltale signs of excessive speed.
  3. Tailgating: Usually, everyone else is not driving too slowly.  Crowding them might make them get out of the way, but it might also cause an accident or unleash an unfortunate road rage incident.
  4. Weaving: A corollary to tailgating, weaving through traffic suggests that everybody else is driving too damn slow.  Usually not the case.
  5. Spilling Drinks: Drinks don’t spill in cars that are not pulling serious g-forces.  Slow down or lean your drinks into turns, along with you torso.
  6. Concerned Passengers: Passengers, including small children and pets, should not look frightened at safe driving speeds.
  7. Yellow Light Adrenaline Rush: Yellow actually means slow down, not gun it.
  8. Oncoming Objects Interrupting Cell Phone Calls: Hang up, slow down, and drive.
  9. Squealing Tires: Are you 16 years old?  Is this The Dukes of Hazard?
  10. Visions of Warp Speed: If the view out your window brings back memories of Star Trek, slow down.

5 Things JFK Turtles Could Have Said But Did Not

Malaclemys terrapin (Diamondback Terrapin)

Diamondback Terrapin (Image via Wikipedia)

Another week gone by.  The news of the week?  Blah, blah, blah, and turtles tweeting from a runway at JFK International Airport in New York.  Yes, turtles.  Yes, tweeting.  On Wednesday, the media frenzy ignited to tell us that Runway 4L at JFK had been shut down for an hour to move some 100 turtles who were making the annual pilgrimage to the sandy spot on the other side of the runway where they lay eggs (http://n.pr/kh86XG).  Soon, the turtles had opened a Twitter account (@JFKTurtles).  In 2 days, they amassed 8,140 followers while sending out just 210 tweets.  Out of sheer amazement, I read many of those tweets, and I was most inspired by the following retweet:

@FollowSven: @JFKTurtles You’re probably the most boring Twitter account I’ve ever seen. #SaySomethingWitty

Agreed.  And so, here are…

5 Things JFK Turtles Could Have Said But Did Not

  1. Consult your flight training manual.  Mother Nature always has the right of way.
  2. Where the hell are you all going, and what’s the rush?
  3. Move us?  Move the runway!  We have been here forever.
  4. Normally, we drink water, but for some reason, we would like a tomato juice now.
  5. You touch my junk, I’ll have you arrested.

5 Stupid Things People Do at Drive-Up ATM’s

Using a drive-through ATM in Texas

Proper Distance from ATM (Image via Wikipedia)

  1. Pull Up Too Far Away: The idea is to reach out your window and push the buttons.  If you have to stick your torso out the window like a Golden Retriever or, worse yet, open your door, then YOU HAVE FAILED THE INTELLIGENCE TEST.
  2. Assemble a Deposit: May an asteroid collide with your home if you plan to sit there and fill out all the crap while the people wait behind you.  Grab an envelope, go park somewhere, and get back in line after you have filled it all out.
  3. Talk on a Cell Phone: It is well established that people cannot drive well when talking.  This means that banking while yakking is like a DWI.
  4. Refinance the Home: You can do all sorts of complicated things at an ATM.  They SHOULD have only 2 options: (1) WANT MONEY and (2) GOT MONEY.  I always wonder what sort of shenanigans is going on when people are punching away incessantly ahead of me.  Do they allow texting from an ATM now?!?  Cripes.
  5. Get Purse/Wallet Organized Before Gassing It: You are done.  Now GET OUT OF THE WAY!  This reminds me of the people who fill out their check registers at the grocery store.

10 Names Bin Laden Might Have Considered to Replace Al-Qaida

Al-Qaida is a Gimp

Image by silverfox09 via Flickr

Though he hated America, Bin Laden apparently had nothing against employing a marketing strategy often used in capitalistic economies like the United States.  Rebranding–the strategy of changing a company or organization name to leave bad associations behind and create a new image for a brand–was a serious consideration for Bin Laden, as the Associated Press reported today (http://n.pr/lqggnk).  As Bin Laden saw it, the Al-Qaida brand had lost its luster, and that was hurting the business, if you consider terrorism a business.  Not even a Groupon or LivingSocial deal could boost the brand, he surmised.  His marketing prowess was discovered in the documents recovered from his hideout in Pakistan.  Though it cannot be confirmed (since I made it up), here are…

10 Names Bin Laden Might Have Considered to Replace Al-Qaida

  1. Society for the Advancement of Explosive Devices
  2. Gentlemen’s Club, Minus the Women, Plus Dirty Deeds
  3. Angry Middle Easterners Against Happy People
  4. Cave Dwellers, Minus the Loin Cloths, Plus Robes and Guns
  5. Peaceful Visitors of Hotel Pakistan
  6. Hatfields and McCoys Forever
  7. Osama Running from Obama, Oh Mama
  8. Muslim Hoodlums
  9. Speak Softly and Sport a Big Beard
  10. Evil Doers

10 Thoughts Inspired by Cars Engulfed with Flames

Not a Good Start to the Day

Acknowledgement: Thanks to Jim from Edina, MN, who contributed this picture shot this morning by his brother off I-394 in Minneapolis.  Jim is a regular reader, which puts him an exclusive group of about 3 people.  Thanks, Jim!

It is truly a sign of the times that people have their cell phones close enough at hand to take a quick snapshot while traveling at freeway speeds.  The iPhone was a game changer in this respect, with its simple and intuitive photo and video interfaces.  Heck, with some of the old pre-Apple phones, this guy would have been to the next exit before he was able to get the camera working.  Well, on to the really important…

10 THOUGHTS INSPIRED BY CARS ENGULFED WITH FLAMES

  1. Guy should have heeded warning on McDonald’s coffee cup–“Caution: Contents are hot.”
  2. Just because you CAN buy a power inverter for your cigarette lighter does NOT mean you should attempt to toast a bagel on your way to work.
  3. Is that a Toyota?
  4. I hope the guy’s iPhone didn’t get damaged.
  5. I cannot wait to Tweet about this.
  6. I cannot wait to post this on Facebook.
  7. I wonder if he was using one of those combustible laptops while driving.
  8. Why isn’t anybody helping him?  I would, but I am too busy taking a picture.
  9. Smoking while wearing hairspray in closed quarters is not advisable.
  10. Aromatherapy candles are best used in the bathroom or bedroom.