Category Archives: Crude Humor

Wow, Those Are BIG Haboobs!

A Dust Bowl storm approaches Stratford, Texas ...

Big Texas Haboob in 1935 (Haknocker!)

In the midst of constant news coverage about the federal debt ceiling stalemate in Washington, D.C., the New York Times, as they often do, went out of its way to cover an obscure topic of interest that provided welcome comic relief for me–haboobs (NY Times article: http://t.co/CtqOXxT).  However, in its usual journalistic fashion, it did so in a serious tone.  How this was possible is beyond me.  In case you have not heard, Phoenix has had some really nasty dust storms this summer, prompting the National Weather Service to call them haboobs, a term familiar to meteorologists and people from the Middle East, but not so much in Arizona.  It seems that many Arizonans have been offended by the term, but for reasons that sound like nonsense to me, such as the possibility of offending soldiers returning from active duty in the Middle East.  Come on!  Arizona is full of retired old prudes who think of BOOBS whenever they hear about haboobs.  Admit it!  This has prompted me to hereby introduce three new words: hanipples (tip of the haboob), hacleavage (space between two haboobs), and haknockers (extra large haboobs).  Snowbirds should return north once they hear these!

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Cause Marketing Gone Terribly Wrong

An entrepreneur at heart, I subscribe to a great email newsletter that reports on unique businesses springing up around the globe (subscribe at springwise.com).  Last week, one of the featured businesses was a Los Angeles based company that shares the love each time you purchase a condom by donating one in a developing country (http://bit.ly/ipuIeY).  Besides cause marketing and condoms making strange bedfellows, I found this proposition humorous on many levels:

  • Priorities: Let’s see, should we give them something to eat, a shirt and pants, a place to call home, or a condom?  DEFINITELY THE CONDOM!
  • Arrogance: Imagine Bill Gates giving everybody in America a stick of deodorant.  Sure, we all need it, but rich people giving poor people something so trivial comes across as demeaning and insulting.
  • Purpose: Is the problem that people in developing countries cannot get a condom, or that they do not understand why they should use one?  Not sure, but let’s just do a fly-over and sprinkle the condoms!
  • Strategy: Is a consumer in the U.S. going to choose this higher priced condom over another because a freebie is shipped to Botswana?  Do buyers get a charitable tax deduction for 50% of the price?

Revenge of the $1.99 Underwear

An actor plays Juan Valdez at the National Cof...

Does Juan Valdez moonlight at the underwear factory?

Just last Friday, I blogged about the wonders of Wal-Mart (http://bit.ly/jaPj6r), including 5 pairs of underwear for $9.96–$1.99 per pair.  At the time, I expressed my gratitude to the Colombian sweatshop worker responsible for this little miracle of capitalism.  There was much joy and fulfillment in life, despite the craziness that I had witnessed at Wal-Mart.  Well, a lot has changed since then.  First some background.  Stubbornness being one of my strengths, I have often scoffed at my wife’s motherly advice to always wash new clothes before wearing them for the first time.  After all, nothing ever looks as nice after that first wash.  Further, I reasoned, could there POSSIBLY be garment workers, like those sinister cooks who spit in food, tampering with clothing just to stick it to the condescending Americans?  Preposterous!  And so, just last Friday, I deposited 10 fresh pairs of underwear into my drawer, fresh out of the package.  By Sunday morning, I was certain that something had gone REALLY WRONG in my pants, and I switched back to my old underwear.  I am now certain that I reacted to some kind of noxious chemical in those grundies.  Some low-paid Colombian just got the last laugh on me.

Who Knew: The Complexities of Replacing a Toilet

A flushing toilet.

Image via Wikipedia

After 6 years in our brand new home, my wife and I have come to accept that nothing is built to last anymore.  In fact, we are convinced that most things are built to self-destruct shortly after the warranty expires.  Not so long ago, the first of our 4 toilets (children starving in Africa, and we have 4 TOILETS!) took a dump (pun fully intended).  Never one to be sold quickly, especially by a plumber whose crack is displayed prominently as he works, I decided to do my own research first.  So, off to Home Depot I went.  WOW!  HOURS LATER, I had learned about all the key features/differentiators:

  • Bowl Shape (Round/Oval): As the plumber told me, oval ones give guys more room for, well, you know.
  • Flush Power: I bought the one that can flush down “A BUCKET OF GOLF BALLS!” (or the VERY BIG POOP equivalent, I surmised)
  • Seat Height: Standard rim is 15″ from the floor.  Deluxe height is 16.5″ from the floor.  Big whoop!
  • Surface Coatings: What better surface to prey on irrational fears about bacterial and mold than A TOILET!
  • One-Piece vs. Two-Piece: Simple.  One hunk of porcelain is more expensive than two hunks connected together.  Buy the two-piece.

Keeping the Party Sufficiently Festive

Guacamole

Image via Wikipedia

Some things in life are best spoken in metaphors, in order to not offend, embarrass, or otherwise disrupt harmony.  This way, some people can enjoy a simplistic, albeit naive, interpretation, and the rest of us can get an entirely different story, even without a wink, which is impossible to recreate in words, though I have tried.  So, the story goes like this.  Everybody likes to throw a party now and again–some of us more often than others, and some of us louder than others.  Anyway, there are times when we decide that adding the secret sauce to the guacamole is a good idea, and if all goes as planned, people end up throwing us parties for our amazing creation.  However, there comes a time in all of our lives when we just want the party for the party.  We are fine to just squirt a little sour cream in the guacamole and not get any amazing creations or parties afterward.  While it is OK to just leave the secret sauce in the fridge, there is always the chance that it might find its way into the guacamole if we get carried away.  Best to cap it for good.

Fodder Fodder Everywhere! CONTRIBUTE!

What started out as an experiment–me blogging random musings on life at the urging of family, friends, and others–has turned out to be fun.  The posts are short, and they take me just a few minutes each to crank out.  The bigger challenge is choosing the best topics for the posts.  Sure, there is plenty of fodder out there to last a lifetime, but the best raw material comes from readers.  Just ask Scott Adams, the comic strip writer behind Dilbert, a strip that pokes fun at the business world.  His readers have kept him going everyday for years.  I am looking for topics that inspire us to think about the strange, ridiculous, wacky, frustrating, humorous, or wondrous aspects of everyday life.  Whereas rubbing shoulders with a celebrity might be considered a brush with fame, consider this your opportunity to have a brush with obscurity–some guy who nobody knows and probably never will.  In exchange for your contributions, I will give you a SHOUT OUT when I use the topic you submit so that everybody reading this blog will know you (first name and city/state only).  Please provide your city/state with your submissions, and thanks in advance!

Ideas may be submitted directly to me at dan.huse@yahoo.com.

Deep Thoughts from the Throne

Toilet with flush water tank

Image via Wikipedia

If you are like most people, you spend a fair amount of time sitting on the pot each day.  Some of us spend more time than others, thanks to our smartphones, which have allowed us to take care of business while we are taking care of business, if you know what I mean.  OK, so sometimes we are just having fun on our phones, but it is easy to get consumed when you are connected.  Before you know it, your legs fall asleep.  But I digress. When your battery goes dead or you are deep in some building with no cell reception or free wi-fi, deep thoughts prevail in this place of silence (mostly silence, punctuated with obnoxious sounds that I won’t describe).  A recent thought that came to me is the marvel of flush toilets and sewage treatment.  Think of how far we have come since the hole in the ground with the outhouse on top of it.  With a simple push of a handle and a whoosh of water, something really nasty just disappears FOREVER!  Where does it go, how does it work, and who is the poor guy who has to work at the sewage facility?